she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
