I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
