I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
