dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
