dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
