He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I will pee on everything he values.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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