im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
