Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
