i just identified you from a description of your pipe
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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