textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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