I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
