people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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