I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
