I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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