Even the bartender felt bad for me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
