I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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