Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
