just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
