nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
