apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
