Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
