he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
