1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
