there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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