is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
