and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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