I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
