Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
