Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i may or may not be watching the land before time
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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