Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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