You made me cry and you don't even care
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
