Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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