Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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