We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Text me some of your sweat
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
