Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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