He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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