so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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