I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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