So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
