AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
