a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
