I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
