I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
