I hate your face
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
