1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
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