You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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