im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
