Plan B is the new Plan A
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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