saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
