you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
