My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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