I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
