How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
