I met the friendliest cop last night
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
