Quick, to the slutcave!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
