It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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