I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
