my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
