i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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