Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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