I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Buhtt sex?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
