I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
