he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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